But if New Jersey is hell then shouldn't its hockey team be named accordingly?

New Jersey State Assemblyman Craig Stanley has authored a resolution in the state legislature calling for the New Jersey Devils to be rechristen with a less demonic name.

Folks, I swear I'm not making this up.

Stanley -- surprise, surprise -- is a Baptist deacon who shudders at the thought of good Christian souls in Jersey going to hockey games to root on the NHL's incarnation of the antichrist (of course, as well all know from the Simpsons' "Treehouse of Horror IV", the 1976 Philadelphia Flyers are Satan's minions).

Never mind that the team's nickname was chosen in a fan contest in 1982 (kinda like the statewide competition Stanley wants to hold to choose a new name), or that it's a reference to the mythical Jersey Devil, not the Christian antichrist.

Such minor details shouldn't get in the way of this self-righteous crusade.

Of course, I've long thought the Devils should change the name of the Meadowlands Arena to Hell and trade for Slovak sniper and current Buffalo Sabres winger Miroslav Satan (pronounced SHA-tawn) just to have some fun with the diabolical theme.

Maybe some legislator with a sense of humor will introduce a counter-resolution proposing those very changes.

Compensating for masculine deficiencies

Danica Patrick, you have officially made a splash.

Patrick is the woman making all the buzz this month in Indianapolis, where tomorrow she'll start from the inside of the second row in the Indy 500.

She's not the first woman to qualify and race at the 500, but she's the first woman whom informed observers have thought had a strong chance of actually winning the big race. If not for a brief spin on her first qualifying lap she'd be starting on the pole tomorrow, and she's routinely posted some of the fastest speeds in practice all month.

Now that speed has drawn the ire of some other drivers. In particular, Robby Gordon, a full-time NASCAR driver who occasionally takes a crack at running in the 500.

Why is Gordon upset about Patrick? Because he's a fat ass and she's a physically fit, petite woman.

"The lighter the car, the faster it goes," Gordon said. "Do the math. Put her in the car at her weight, then put me or Tony Stewart in the car at 200 pounds and our car is at least 100 pounds heavier.

"I won't race against her until the IRL does something to take that advantage away."

Yeah, I'm sure race officials are just itching to put Danica Patrick, a poster girl who's already had a spread in laddy mag FHM and is causing people around the country and world to pay attention to the 500 once more, on some sort of weight-gaining diet, or to impose some other hindrance on her, just so they can woo a middling NASCAR hack back to Indy.

It's great to see how much she's already getting under people's skins that they have to resort to just outrageously vapid attacks to massage their egos at the thought that they're gonna lose to a woman.

Typical

While Matt Miller's guest column is commendable for advocating drastic restructuring of high-level jobs so that workaholics like his wife can enjoy some balance between career and family, it's incredible how he seems to miss on one of the most fundamental reasons women in particular face such unenviable choices, namely that lazy-ass men like himself don't do enough to raise those families and thus saddle their wives with the double burden of having a career and running the household. Not that, you know, I'd expect him to take such a sobering, introspective look. But it's really remarkable how these attitudes persist.

Men are pigs. I think we should shoot them.

Amen

Just an idea for the negotiators: How about just sending up white smoke when an agreement is reached and announcing "Habemus Hockey''? An optional next step could be to have German-born Marco Sturm step out on the balcony a few seconds later. Until then, nothing much will interest us, certainly not the post-meeting statements and descriptions of Bettman's ill-fitting caps and Bob Goodenow's abacus.

From Terry Frei's excellent piece bemoaning the absence of the greatest spectacle in all of sport, the Stanley Cup Playoffs.

(OK, second greatest version. But the Olympic ice hockey tournament comes but once ever four years.)

Your tax dollars at work?

Spotted recently: several TV ads from the Washington State Department of Health hyping its sex ed program and Web site, No Sex, No Problems.

You can view the multiple spots that have been polluting my airwaves lately. (My personal favorite: This spot featuring a bunch of kids, few of whom appear to have reached puberty or to have any comprehension of what exactly "sex" is, giving all their reasons why they aren't going to have sex yet. Sadly, none gives the obvious answer, that my body simply hasn't matured to the point where I possess the hormones to make sex feasible, or desirable.)

Of course, this one of the "abstinence-only" programs the Bush administration and religious right are heralding as the solution to all ills associated with sex: teenage pregnancy, STDs, physical pleasure, procreation by liberals and other designated "enemies," etc.

As the Web site notes: "Funding for this program does not endorse information beyond the scope of the federal Abstinence Education definition."

The upshot of this is, of course, that there's no mention of condoms, contraceptives and other precautions one should take in the event one opts to have sex and wants to minimize the consequences.

Really it's a terrible mixed message. On the one hand, the program gives teens credit for being able to make choices on their own and thus is encouraging them to make responsible choices. On the other hand, let's face it, some teens are going to choose to have sex anyway. Try as we might to prevent that from occurring, it's going to happen. (No amount of federal funding for these abstinence programs is going to reverse eternal patterns of human behavior: teens have been having sex since there first were teens.) Adopting a one-size-fits-all approach is only going to exacerbate the situation.

I know I'm not the first to point this out, but I think we, as a society, really need to reevaluate some of our views. Will distributing condoms, birth-control pills and information about responsible sex give teens the impression that it's OK to have sex? Perhaps. But I'm willing to bet that most of those teens would've reached that conclusion on their own. And those are precisely the teens who fall through the cracks of abstinence-only education and thus don't get the information and protection they need.

An example from Soviet history is instructive: In the Soviet Union, more than 80 percent of all women underwent an abortion by the end of their childbearing years, with an average of two to four abortions each. Even during the heyday of glasnost, perestroika and Gorbachev, this figure didn't change. By 1989, with less than 6 percent of the global population, the Soviet Union accounted for perhaps 20 percent of all abortions worldwide. (The actual number may have been even higher, but a number of abortions were performed outside state channels for reasons of anesthesia, cleanliness, confidentiality, etc.)

Why did Soviet women have abortions in such alarming numbers? It wasn't just promiscuous young women and teenage girls who had failed to take appropriate precautions. Because for the most part, those precautions weren't available. The Soviet Union had a shortage of effective contraception, causing women to turn to abortion as birth control of last resort.

But there's more to it than that. Another reason why this parallel is revealing is the social attitude toward contraception most Soviet citizens had. As in, they didn't know about other birth control options. Consequently, an estimated 25 to 75 percent of all Soviet couples didn't regular use any form of contraception. And most disturbing, ob-gyn's -- the people who should be expected to inform women about birth control options -- often didn't because they had lucrative sidelines performing private abortions. (Source: Stephen Kotkin, Steeltown, USSR, 131-132.)

The moral of this story? You can't have it both ways. Either you promote abstinence alone and deal with the mounting social costs of rising rates of teenage pregnancy, abortion, STDs, etc., or you face reality and accept that people are going to have sex, much as you'd prefer they didn't, so you at least educate and equip them appropriately. You'd think the people who want to resort to invasive and authoritarian measures to prevent abortions would do more to prevent the likelihood of women seeking abortions. But if I've learned anything from living in this country the past several years, it's that you can't expect that sort of logical consistency from most people.

Uh, wait a minute

Victims of the Soviet invasion of Czechoslovakia in 1968 are in line to receive a one-off payment in compensation from the Czech government.

Let me get this straight. The Soviet army (and troops from other Warsaw Pact countries: East Germany, Poland, Hungary and Bulgaria) invade Czechoslovakia and occupy the country. Now the invaded nation is paying reparations for the action of the invaders? Shouldn't the Russian government be paying for this?

I realize the Czech government is better able to afford such payments, although they are only work out to about $700-1400 a person, but still.

This pleases Your Grace

Czechs beat U.S. in quarterfinal shootout

Those wacky Canadians!

You'd think their government could've phrased its potty talk in the form of a bawdy limerick.

This I like

The Palace of Auburn Hills, home to the Detroit Pistons and Detroit Shock, is opening five new luxury suites at $450,000 a pop. Big deal? The suites are all underground ("dungeon suites," if you will), meaning they don't include a view of the game, unless you count the big-ass plasma TVs as a view. Granted, each suite includes tickets to the VIP section courtside for those who wish to go above ground and see the game with their own eyes.

But I have to say, I wholeheartedly approve. Most suites are either owned by corporations, or else very rich individuals, and suite-owners are notorious for caring more about wining and dining clients, hitting up the limitless food and drink, and doing many things that don't involve, you know, actually watching the action, that it's good to relegate them to the dungeon.

I can only hope this concept catches on so that new venues might be built without any above-ground suites whatsoever. Removing that tier (or two ... or three) might make those "view level" seats a little more comfortable, causing not so many nosebleeds in the future.

And then there's that whole thing about the supreme justice of relegating the rich and the corporate to the basement where they belong.

Correction of the Year

Frank Rich gets the honors for his blasphemy in the service of journalistic accuracy and integrity:

Speaking of Comedy Central and journalistic bloopers: Contrary to what I wrote here a week ago, the cable network did not bleep out the 162 repetitions of a four-letter expletive in an episode of "South Park," God bless 'em.

Pot, kettle. Kettle, pot.

One thing I do like about Vladimir Putin is the fact that he's bold enough to point out the hypocrisy inherent in any comment Dubya makes about Russia needing to be democratic.

The day before a meeting and dinner with Mr. Putin, Mr. Bush warned him once again about retreating on democracy, saying that "all free and successful countries have some common characteristics - freedom of worship, freedom of the press, economic liberty, the rule of law and the limitation of power through checks and balances."

In the last year the United States has grown concerned over Mr. Putin's prosecution of business leaders, his increasing control over the press and his involvement in the affairs of Georgia and other neighbors.

Mr. Putin has not reacted positively to such criticism from Mr. Bush in the past, and this week he told the CBS News program "60 Minutes" that Mr. Bush had little business lecturing him about democracy when the 2000 presidential election in the United States was decided by the Supreme Court.

Heh heh.

Also, for the record, I'd like to point out that, while meddling in the affairs of any sovereign nation is something not to be done lightly, if at all, becoming involved in the affairs of countries with which you share a physical border is a far cry from invading countries halfway round the world in the name of homeland security. The former has more legitimacy in terms of state norms and international affairs (after all, it's not like there's a whole ocean and a couple of continents separating Russia from, say, Georgia).

Now, it's one thing if you want to invoke these security concerns to take action against a demonstrably rogue state (or at least a state with a demonstrably batty dear leader) with a proven nuclear weapons program and potentially the missile technology to actually send one of those warheads into your territory. Folks might find "involvement" in the affairs of such a country a bit more justified.

Not that there isn't precedent for this double standard. Compare the deployment of medium-range U.S. nuclear missiles (under the aegis of NATO) into Europe in the late 1970s/early 1980s to how bonkers the world went when Khrushchev tried to station ICBMs in allied Cuba in the early 1960s. Nikita didn't get to keep his missiles (or make good on his threat to take off his shoe and bludgeon Kennedy with it), but that whole nuclear missiles in Western Europe thing, that didn't get resolved so favorably for Gorbachev.

He then compared himself favorably to Jesus Christ, Mahatma Gandhi and Martin Luther King Jr.

"I've taken a lot of crap from a lot of people," said Rocker, who racked up 88 saves, more than 330 strikeouts and a 3.42 ERA in six seasons with the Braves, Indians, Rangers and Devil Rays. "Probably more than anybody in the history of this sport. I know Hank [Aaron] and Jackie [Robinson] took a good deal of crap, but I guarantee it wasn't for six years. I just keep thinking: How much am I supposed to take?"

Gee, John Rocker, do you think it had anything to do with the fact players like Jackie Robinson and Hank Aaron took a lot of crap from people for their entire lifetimes simply because they're black? Or that they took this kind of crap from narrow minds like yourself who thought nothing of dishing out a lot of crap against entire ethnic, religious and racial groups simply because you're too stupid to keep your mouth shut?

I can almost hear the fiddle.

Winblows

In the interest of full disclosure, I'll admit that I've never owned a PC. My home computer has always been some form of Apple and my experience with Windows machines has been pretty limited, mainly work and/or other environments where I use a computer and have no choice of platform.

But I sure as hell ain't inclined to switch anytime soon.

Not so long ago I overheard the (now former) computing and technology assistant for the department telling someone with a PowerBook that Macs were nice, but the problem with them is that Apple puts so much focus into the appearance that the underlying OS suffers.

I kind of rolled my eyes at that, knowing that Macs (and the Unix architecture that underlies them) are also renowned for security, that Apple has actually managed to make significant updates to its OS more frequently than once every five years (and counting), etc.

Of course, the main reason I like my Mac is that it works. There are really nice programs that have an uncannily intuitive design to them. In general, it's easy to use. Literally plug and play.

Now, in anticipation of having no appointments all afternoon, I decided to bring in the new Nine Inch Nails album to listen. So I open the CD drive, insert the disc, close it and prepare to enjoy. A simple task.

Or not.

While I had no problem getting it to ask my choice of player (Windows Media or Real), actually playing it was more problematic. For some reason it decided to cut the audio in and out, which, naturally, made it unbearable to listen to. Switching from WMP to Real didn't fix the situation. (The disc is, of course, fine, since it's brand new and hasn't given me issues in any other drive.) Then I try to circumvent it by ripping the CD to the hard drive and playing it in MP3 format. Except that Windows Media Player froze in the middle of ripping the first track and Real didn't fare any better.

Exacerbated, I made a last ditch effort to play it as a DVD. I bought the Dual Disc format, and the DVD side will play the audio as well, so I figured it was worth trying since the computer does have a DVD drive. Just not one that works. Or more accurately, the computer wasn't equipped to play DVDs; it informed me that it needed to download a plug-in or program or something to be able to play the DVD. And since no one can install programs on any of the lab computers without admin privileges (since, you know, PCs are prone to spyware, viruses, venereal diseases, etc.), I was defeated.

Funny how my Mac, on which Apple squandered so much time fussing over its interface and appearance instead of the OS, has never given me such trouble. When I insert a CD, it plays it without intermittently cutting out the audio. When I rip the CD, it doesn't choke on the first track. When I insert a DVD, it plays it without telling me I need a plug-in. When I infect it with a virus ... well, I guess I don't know how it responds since that's never been an issue because for all intents and purposes there aren't Mac viruses.

Oh, but at least it looks good.

SAT not an accurate gauge of students' abilities? Gasp!

It seems the writing portion of the "new" SAT rewards verbosity over, you know, style, coherency, etc.

He [Les Perelman, a director of undergraduate writing at MIT] was stunned by how complete the correlation was between length and score. "I have never found a quantifiable predictor in 25 years of grading that was anywhere near as strong as this one," he said. "If you just graded them based on length without ever reading them, you'd be right over 90 percent of the time." The shortest essays, typically 100 words, got the lowest grade of one. The longest, about 400 words, got the top grade of six. In between, there was virtually a direct match between length and grade.

Having read hundreds of undergrad papers this year, I can say that the quality of college freshman writing is generally not great. Hearing that ETS is watering it down even more, I shudder at the thought of having to read undergrad papers for the remainder of my working life.

With Teeth

In his most subdued voice, Mr. Reznor promises, "I will be beside you before long" and "We will never die." It could be a love song; it could also be the fulfillment of a suicide pact. Yet the music - a pulsating, dizzying, slowly swelling and abruptly changing drone - reaches for something like a mystical trance, as the sound transcends sociopathy.

Undoubtedly the most humorous moment in Jon Pareles' review of Nine Inch Nails' new album.



Having waited for it like a nervous father-to-be in the maternity ward some five and a half years, I am relieved that "With Teeth" has finally arrived. Moreover, it's a strong effort. [Have a listen at My Space", where the album can be heard in its entirety via the wonder of streaming audio.]

I'm not ready to proclaim "With Teeth" as quite on the level of its predecessor, "The Fragile," a two-disc masterpiece that will forever stand as Trent Reznor's defining work and one of the five greatest and most influential albums of all time. But then, I'm firmly of the opinion that it takes several listens to gain a sufficiently complex understanding of a work before such lofty praise can be issued.

Still, this is Trent doing what only Trent can do and what Trent does best. While "With Teeth" feels very much like a NIN record, it achieves that without sounding tired. Trent doesn't recycle old sounds, he reinvents them.

And yet, at its core "With Teeth" offers an emotionally and spiritually intense journey, evocative of Dante's inferno, but with aggressive guitar riffs and distorted synth pop. It sum, it is uneven in a praiseworthy way that is quintessentially NIN. Quiet to loud, crescendo to anticlimax, plumbing the depths of the human soul to commenting ironically on excessive self-absorption -- it is jarring, discontinuous, deeply contradicted in an immensely satisfying way that intensifies the emotional power of the album.

"Love Is Not Enough" is an eighties power ballad on gloom, "Only" a self-deprecating manipulation of pop melodies and bass lines. "All the Love in the World" is a tortured yet hopeful lament while "Getting Smaller" and "The Hand That Feeds" are melancholily catchy. "The Line Begins to Blur" melodically captures the conflict of its title. "Beside You in Time" offers promise -- will it come to fruition? -- of redemption. "Right Where It Belongs" offers an enigmatic coda.

Really, I have but one disappointment with the album -- that it's not the seminal masterwork "The Fragile" was -- but it hardly seems fair to hold that against any record.