An open letter to my supporters

Dear Friends,

This time of political crisis has provided an extraordinary opportunity for advancement to our state's highest office. Many highly qualified and dedicated individuals have already announced their intentions to put their names on the ballot for the October recall election. I myself have been mulling the question of running for governor to replace Gov. Gray Davis in the event California voters elect to recall him in October. After much soul searching and consultation with my family, friends and advisers, I regret to inform all of you that I have decided not to throw my hat into the gubernatorial race.

I found it difficult to reach this decision, but I assure you that I gave it the most thorough and careful consideration I could muster before making up my mind. The governorship is not a post to take to lightly. As many of you have supported me since the days of my earliest political aspirations, I feel a duty to share with you the factors that have led me to gracefully bow out of the race at this juncture.

To wit, the attributes and experiences that qualify one to run for this fine office are many. I am not sure that I quite fit the bill at this time.

I have never shared the screen with a primate, nor have I worked alongside such talented communicators as Danny DeVito, Jamie Lee Curtis and Sinbad.

Not once have I dated Linda Ronstadt.

As a child, I was never cast as an orphan taken in by a wealthy old benefactor. Never have I had occasion to smash an entire supermarket's worth of produce with a sledgehammer before a willing audience taking cover beneath plastic sheeting.

I am a native of California, lack an accent, or my own syndicated newspaper column. I did not serve as the commissioner of Major League Baseball, and cannot claim credit for bringing the Summer Olympics to our state.

Never have I held high office. I cannot even pretend to have magnificently had a political campaign go down in flames.

I have not used marijuana in a bodybuilding video and have never been a reigning Mr. Universe.

And not once have I created, produced and distributed a "gentleman's magazine." Nor have I appeared in an on-camera threesome or gang bang.

However, more than 100 individuals fitting some or all of these important criteria have announced their candidacies, so I feel confident that among the many, at least one will prove capable of winning the election and carrying the state in a handbasket.

Furthermore, a number of personal factors have led me to my decision. Chief among these is my plan to move out of state before the election. I feel unable to commute regularly to Sacramento from my residence in Chicago, and believe it unwise to conduct regular California business in Illinois.

Additionally, holding the office of governor would require me to give up my comfortable life of freeloading off others and not working.

So for those reasons, I respectfully withdraw my name for consideration for the position of governor and thank my friends for their support. To all those who made financial contributions to my campaign, I can assure you that the checks are in the mail.

Liberté, égalité, fraternité.

¡Víva la revoluccíon!

Pierre de Sisi