Cirque du Californique

I feel obligated, compelled, required to weigh in on a subject being made such a spectacle as to belie the gravity of the situation. I speak, of course, of the gubernatorial recall election in California, my home state.

First, a disclaimer. I don't support the recall effort. This is not to say that I think Gray Davis is a great guy. He's a Democrat, and I'm automatically suspicious of anyone affiliated with either half of the political party Janus in this country. But, he gets pretty high marks from the AFL-CIO, which counts for a lot in my book. And more important, I think the whole recall drive is little more than the latest manifestation of an annoying Republican tendency of late to whine and pout and bitch and moan and lie and cheat and steal to get office whenever an election doesn't go their way. (Exhibit A: The Clinton impeachment for lying about an extramarital affair -- clearly a grave crime and abuse of office. Exhibit B: The Florida presidential election debacle in which a compromised Supreme Court awarded the presidency to the candidate who received fewer votes, both nationwide and in the state of Florida.) Mainly for the last reason, I'm inclined to oppose the recall.

That said, I'm finding this whole situation funny as hell.

It's not every day that your home state decides to start behaving like it has a whole bucket o' screws missing. I mean, really, I thought the circus left town last week? Did they just pack up the big top and set up shop in the capital?

You don't need a scorecard to follow the race; you need a list of all the registered voters in the state of California,though maybe a ring master would help to sort things out.

This much is known. Lt. Gov. Cruz Bustamante is in the race. So is state insurance commissioner John Garamendi. Likewise State Sen. Tom McClintock (R-Thousand Oaks). Former Major League Baseball Commissioner Peter Ueberroth is in. Rep. Darrell Issa (R-Vista), the multimillionaire who bankrolled the petition drive, is out. So, too is another leading Republican contender, Richard Riordan, the former mayor of Los Angeles. Also out is Democratic Sen. Dianne Feinstein, who consistently tops polls as the state's most popular politician, though she never seemed interested in running to begin with.

More confusing are the legions of folks still on the fence. Bill Simon, who ran as the Republican challenger to Davis last fall and lost to an unpopular governor in one of the most poorly run election campaigns in recent memory, is still undecided. Ditto Rep. Loretta Sanchez (D-Garden Grove), my representative in the House and a woman for whom I will always have a soft spot for finally getting off-the-deep end, right-wing loony "B-1" Bob Dornan out of office in the past decade. Just today it's become known that House minority leader Nancy Pelosi is mulling a run.

But if that didn't make it enough of a circus, there's a whole other slate of candidates ensuring that the election turns into one big farcical carnival. Foremost among these is Ah-nold "The Governator" Schwarzenegger, who's being seen as the leading Republican candidate. (I agree that it's a sad, sad day when "Conan the Barbarian" can be tabbed by Republicans for the state's top job, but then this from the party that brought you a monkey's co-star in "Bedtime for Bonzo" to the governor's mansion and eventually the White House.)

But wait, there's more!

Arianna Huffington, a Greek-born political pundit who has retreated from her earlier conservatism, has begun her campaign. Not to be outdone, ex-hubby Michael Huffington, who was a sore loser when he got beat for a Senate seat a few years back and refused to concede defeat for weeks after the election, also through his hat into the ring.

Then there's Larry "First @#$%^&* Amendment" Flynt, publisher of "Hustler" magazine and many a humorous tall tale about Jerry Falwell's Oedipal complex. If there's a smut lord in the race then it's only appropriate that Mary Carey, a 22-year-old porn star, is in the running, promising to make lap dances tax-deductible which levying a new sin tax on silicone breast implants.

No word yet on whether Hugh Hefner has decided to compete with Mr. Flynt.

And what carnival atmosphere would be complete without a midget? Certainly not California's! Fortunately, a Bay Area newspaper has sponsored former child star Gary Coleman, who's now on the ballot.

And there are countless others. I'm sure I've left people off. Hell, even I might consider running. My exploratory committee continues to investigate the possibility (when there's nothing good on TV).

It's so out of hand that the chain of 99-cent stores has gotten in on the act, running a promotion whereby the discount chain will sponsor the candidacy of a 99-year-old candidate, putting up the $3500 filing fee and gathering the requisite signatures. Why the gimmick? It seems everyone and their grandmother has declared.

But in all seriousness, the Ah-nold candidacy worries me. Not so much because I think he's unbeatable, but just because I think it's frightening to consider a world in which a Kindergarten Cop/Last Action Hero/Terminator/Choose your own crappy movie character can actually be chosen for a position of such power. Granted, an ex-wrestler did it in Minnesota (much to the chagrin of many Minnesotans, if the handful I know are representative of the state as a whole). And, of course, Ronnie did it here.

But really, what qualifications does Ah-nold have? What preparation does he have? It's great that he'd know what to do in the event California gets invaded by cyborgs, but does he really have a clue when it comes to managing a state in the midst of a grave economic crisis? Does winning the "Mr. Universe" competition train one for the state capitol? It seems doubtful. And frankly, I hope we never have to find out.

(An amusing aside: On the local NBC affiliate's evening news tonight, they discussed Ah-nold's filing and how he is the most popular candidate in the race, but asked rhetorically whether that meant he had any natural constituencies. The broadcast then segued to a man-on-the-street segment at -- I swear I am not making this up -- Muscle Beach. It recalls a lesser-known axiom: "As Muscle Beach goes, so goes the 'roid rage. I mean the state.")

So, in conclusion, laugh long and hard at this whole fiasco. Exploit it for the sham of democracy that it is. But for the love of God, come bail me out when the (political) machines rise up and California eats itself.