The crappiest place on earth

Today I couldn't avoid MouseLand, try as I normally do.

Generally it's not an issue. The Big Cheese (actual title) frightens small children aged 8 to 88 on the other side of my hometown from my house. And, mercifully, it's out of the way for pretty much everywhere I ever go, so unless I have business there or a fit of masochism (one and the same), I avoid it.

Unfortunately, today I had business in the Big (Mouse) House.

Actually, I shouldn't say it was unfortunate. The occasion was my cousin's wedding. The bout of bad luck was their decision to hold the entire extravaganza at the Disneyland Hotel. Cue gag reflex

Yeah, certainly not my choice. But it's the preferred wedding site for couples-to-be who want to be married in the setting with greatest probability of a 7-foot-tall cartoon character sans head.

The ceremony itself was nice. It was in a garden with a nice gazebo and the bride entered the venue in a horse-drawn carriage. I found it a little odd that hotel guests in the overlooking tower could simply gawk at it all. And it was a little bizarre having an active, bustling hotel operation going on all around outside. But the ceremony wasn't bad. It was relatively quick, which was fortunate since the heat got oppressive despite still being morning. Still, I don't know that it was worth the hefty price I'm sure it cost to stage such pageantry in Ratville.

Then came the "cocktail hour," a pre-reception staged on a grassy area in a different part of the hotel complex. This was a bit insufferable, between the pounding sun that only got hotter, the limited board of fruit, insufficient chairs and shade.

Following that came the reception itself, a modestly swank soiree in an air-conditioned ballroom. Once inside, I would've forgotten I was on Disney property if I hadn't caught sight of the carpet, complete with mouse ear pattern. Groan

There was an all-you-can-eat buffet, which was two rows of food: breakfast on one side, lunch on the other. When our table finally decided to skip waiting and go, I opted for the much shorter breakfast line. It was nothing too fancy, mainly breakfast meats, some french toast and delicious blueberry blintzes. At the end was a station with a guy making omelettes to order. I waited several minutes to reach the front of the line, then when I got there, some server came up with egg orders for three people who apparently couldn't get their own eggs. Don't ask me who or why. When the cook resumed taking orders from the line he skipped me(!), and my dad, in typical fashion, didn't notice and put his order in. I had no success getting the cook's attention to prevent him skipping me a second time, at which point I gave up the quest and went across the room to pick through the remains of the lunch buffet before sitting down to eat. That left me in a foul mood for the rest of the reception, which was about four hours.

Perhaps that accounted for my inability to enjoy the wedding much. Of course, there the other factors of discomfort (Did I mention that beverages other than water and a small glass to toast the bride and groom weren't included, despite the $50-a-person price tag?) that contributed to my sour temperament. And then the whole Disney is evil/Mickey Mouse is death dimension.

But maybe what made me saddest was my discovery after I got home that I would've had a better time at the amusement park across the street, where it was unofficially "Goth Week", I kid you not.

Rest assured, whenever I get married, I will not put anyone through such an experience. The ceremony will be air conditioned, unless the weather is really damn nice out and not hot. No money will go to the Evil Empire. And, if I have my way, not only will sodas and iced tea and other cold, refreshing, non-water beverages be complimentary, but beer will be free and flowing.