Home is where the heart is
Not much to say. I feel like I'm in sort of a rut. Hopefully it's just a temporary lull, the sort of thing prompted by being home.
There's not exactly a lot for me to do here. Frankly, if my parents didn't live here, I don't know if I'd ever return. Beyond them, there's not a lot that ties me to the land. There's my cousin Kyle. Then my longtime friend Dave. Number three? Try the Los Angeles Kings. That's right, a professional hockey franchise. Number four would be the Anaheim Angels. Or maybe the perennially good weather (that nasty Christmas rain this year notwithstanding).
It sort of became dramatically apparent on Christmas Eve just how detached I am from the O.C.
Per normal, we went to Long Beach to the annual Christmas Eve bash our distant cousins have. Of course, they're actually something like my third cousins once removed. And that's just the one family. Everyone else is related by marriage to them, meaning they're really no relation to us.
Confused? So was I. They're all nice people, but there are a lot of them. And with the exception of a scant few, they're all people I see but every Christmas Eve. It's hard for me to remember most of their names, let alone any meaningful details about their lives.
And frankly, I was kind of dreading it this year. It's an occasion not unlike a high school reunion (or what I imagine it to be, given that I've never been to one, nor to I plan on ever going to any of mine). You see people you haven't seen for a long time, update them on what the hell you've been up to in the past year and make other small talk. It's great, I imagine, if you have some big news to share, like a new baby, a new job, things like that. But it's not exactly fun if you're in sort of a valley in your life.
As I am. Sure, I graduated from college, but that was way back in June. There's not much of a what-have-you-done-for-me-lately dimension to my life. I worked a temp job I hated, I got rejected for a job with an orphanage because I was overqualified, I'm hoping to go start grad school in the fall. Yeah, sounds like fun.
Mercifully, I didn't really enter into any involved inquisitions. In most cases the conversation stuck to really mundane, non-specific "how ya doin'" banter without veering into more treacherous waters. And I didn't encounter too many people. In part that owed to me arriving with my cousin a couple of hours before most of the guests, and in part to me sitting with my nose buried in a book for most of the evening.
Nonetheless, I just felt out of place. I half resolved never to go back there on Christmas Eve, but I know that won't work. And I'd probably feel a lot more miserable staying home alone if I knew everyone else was there.
This all came as something of a surprise to me. I knew in the days leading up to Christmas Eve that I wouldn't really enjoy it. But I had thought in the abstract that this was a tradition I'd miss at the holidays if, in the future, I wasn't home at that time of year.
But now I know that it's not really a priority in my life. That's good, since there's a distinct possibility that I might not be here at Christmas. I really got to thinking about what it'd be like to be with Colleen and her family back in Erie instead, and it was an idea that appealed to me.
On the obverse of the coin, I don't like the thought of abandoning my parents. Given that, save for the folks we visit on Christmas Eve, our extended family is all in Indiana and Michigan, it'd seem particularly empty in the house if it wound up just being the two of them. In some strange way, I really like the idea of my parents being in Erie with everyone else. It's a strange thought, but then, not so bizarre as some of the constellations you get with any extended family. I don't know, maybe it's just that I like the abstract thought of being in Erie, where I know everyone's name (it's sort of like "Cheers" in that regard), they know all about me, and it's easier for me just to relax and have a good time. Then again, maybe this is a slightly idealized vision. Maybe Colleen's family will stop lavishing so much attention on me once I've seen them a few more times.
Who knows?
There's not exactly a lot for me to do here. Frankly, if my parents didn't live here, I don't know if I'd ever return. Beyond them, there's not a lot that ties me to the land. There's my cousin Kyle. Then my longtime friend Dave. Number three? Try the Los Angeles Kings. That's right, a professional hockey franchise. Number four would be the Anaheim Angels. Or maybe the perennially good weather (that nasty Christmas rain this year notwithstanding).
It sort of became dramatically apparent on Christmas Eve just how detached I am from the O.C.
Per normal, we went to Long Beach to the annual Christmas Eve bash our distant cousins have. Of course, they're actually something like my third cousins once removed. And that's just the one family. Everyone else is related by marriage to them, meaning they're really no relation to us.
Confused? So was I. They're all nice people, but there are a lot of them. And with the exception of a scant few, they're all people I see but every Christmas Eve. It's hard for me to remember most of their names, let alone any meaningful details about their lives.
And frankly, I was kind of dreading it this year. It's an occasion not unlike a high school reunion (or what I imagine it to be, given that I've never been to one, nor to I plan on ever going to any of mine). You see people you haven't seen for a long time, update them on what the hell you've been up to in the past year and make other small talk. It's great, I imagine, if you have some big news to share, like a new baby, a new job, things like that. But it's not exactly fun if you're in sort of a valley in your life.
As I am. Sure, I graduated from college, but that was way back in June. There's not much of a what-have-you-done-for-me-lately dimension to my life. I worked a temp job I hated, I got rejected for a job with an orphanage because I was overqualified, I'm hoping to go start grad school in the fall. Yeah, sounds like fun.
Mercifully, I didn't really enter into any involved inquisitions. In most cases the conversation stuck to really mundane, non-specific "how ya doin'" banter without veering into more treacherous waters. And I didn't encounter too many people. In part that owed to me arriving with my cousin a couple of hours before most of the guests, and in part to me sitting with my nose buried in a book for most of the evening.
Nonetheless, I just felt out of place. I half resolved never to go back there on Christmas Eve, but I know that won't work. And I'd probably feel a lot more miserable staying home alone if I knew everyone else was there.
This all came as something of a surprise to me. I knew in the days leading up to Christmas Eve that I wouldn't really enjoy it. But I had thought in the abstract that this was a tradition I'd miss at the holidays if, in the future, I wasn't home at that time of year.
But now I know that it's not really a priority in my life. That's good, since there's a distinct possibility that I might not be here at Christmas. I really got to thinking about what it'd be like to be with Colleen and her family back in Erie instead, and it was an idea that appealed to me.
On the obverse of the coin, I don't like the thought of abandoning my parents. Given that, save for the folks we visit on Christmas Eve, our extended family is all in Indiana and Michigan, it'd seem particularly empty in the house if it wound up just being the two of them. In some strange way, I really like the idea of my parents being in Erie with everyone else. It's a strange thought, but then, not so bizarre as some of the constellations you get with any extended family. I don't know, maybe it's just that I like the abstract thought of being in Erie, where I know everyone's name (it's sort of like "Cheers" in that regard), they know all about me, and it's easier for me just to relax and have a good time. Then again, maybe this is a slightly idealized vision. Maybe Colleen's family will stop lavishing so much attention on me once I've seen them a few more times.
Who knows?
posted by Alexander Dubcek | 01:29
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