Going the way of the Expos

Perhaps I'm not going to Seattle after all...

Only a fool would consider moving the UW to Puerto Rico

Peter Callaghan
The Tacoma News-Tribune

SEATTLE - The University of Washington said Wednesday that it will move to another state unless it receives more money from taxpayers.

The announcement stunned the state's political and educational establishment even though the university had been complaining about money for decades. While it is the first such move by a major research institution, given the condition of college funding it might not be the last - especially if it works.

Taking a page from the playbook of such business leaders as Paul Allen and Howard Lincoln, the UW board of regents said its "decision was final" but subject to change.

"We must remain competitive. But we have determined that without more support from taxpayers it just doesn't pencil," said Gerald Gripengrin, president of the board, in front of a fleet of moving vans.

"Many states would be thrilled to have an institution of this caliber. It makes a state big-league," he said. The captain of industry ended the announcement with a poignant message for his granddaughter Montlake, a big Huskies fan.

"I'm sorry, but we tried our best," he said, fighting back tears before high-fiving special assistant to the president Norm Sharkins.

New UW President Mark Demerit was unavailable for comment after meeting with Louisiana State University to ask for his job back.

A source close to the regents said they might reconsider if certain conditions were met: The Legislature must double its UW appropriation, reporters must stop asking all those questions about the athletic department, and "the students need to sober up and get to class for a change."

Reports out of North Dakota, Delaware and Puerto Rico strongly suggested all three would be in the bidding should the UW go on the open market.

"I feel badly for Washington, but we feel our citizens deserve a big-league university," said a spokesman for the governor of Puerto Rico.

"We would be willing to offer incentives and a first-class facility to attract a school that would put North Dakota on the map," said whoever answered the phone in Bismarck. "OK, we're already on the map. But I mean, on the map, like, you know, 'on the map.'"

The Delaware bid could be hampered by the fact that the current UW campus is larger than the state. One solution would be to use Pennsylvania for student parking and the Med School.

Students were shocked at news they might have to switch time zones to finish their degrees.

"It's a business like any other, but I sort of thought they'd, like, be more loyal to us," said seventh-year senior Brendon Greekrow. "I guess it's OK as long as they don't raise tuition."

Legislators were scrambling - not to find money to retain the UW but to escape political blame.

"This is just what we've been going on about," said Senate GOP Leader Funky Winkerbein. "Because of the Democrats, Washington is no longer competitive with other states in taxes, regulations and the number of Republicans elected."

Democrats met for six hours in closed-door caucus before emerging to blame Tim Eyman.

Gov. Wary Lock said he would ask Boeing what to do before forming a task force and holding some rallies.

"That's all I got," said the lame duck. "I said I was the education governor, not the higher education governor. There's a difference. Really."

Alumni and business leaders reeled at the news that their Tyee Club dues wouldn't mean squat if the football team relocated with the university, which appears likely. One of the stars of the team, however, was unfazed.

"Ya mean there's a school here?" asked linebacker Roid N. Hanced. "Where?"