You can go home again -- buy why?

One weight lifted from my shoulders, another beginning to crush my spine.

As of about 2:45 p.m. CDT yesterday, I am finished with my undergraduate education at Northwestern. That's roughly when my last Czech lesson finished, which was the last class and coursework I had left to complete. My German class concluded with the final chapter test last Friday, and of course I turned in my thesis nearly three weeks ago. So, I'm done. Finished. Fertig.

There was a definite feeling of accomplishment for me when that moment came. I was a bit surprised at how much pride I felt. I've sort of envisioned for a couple of years that the end of my undergrad work would be sort of an anticlimax, particularly since I plan to go to grad school and have several more years of university work to go before I'll be finished as a student. Plus, I've never found college terribly difficult or exceptionally trying. I'm not saying I knew everything already, or that I didn't have to work hard to get through it, but I've always had this inner confidence that's refused to allow me to believe that I could possibly do anything but not only finish, but finish on time, and with all sorts of awards and honors. Still, it did give me a certain satisfaction to know that I've actually reached that point.

I've wondered recently why finishing my bachelor's has proven so satisfying. In great measure, I think it owes to the ugly gray cloud of uncertainty raining -- or is that reigning? -- over my life these days. I know that on 21 June between 11 a.m. and 1 p.m. I'll receive a bachelor of arts in history and political science and that I have a plane ticket back to Los Angeles on 30 June. Beyond that, the world is one big muddled orb.

Part of this sudden preoccupation owes to a very recent development, namely the knowledge that one of my fellow graduates has found a good job doing more or less what she wants, thus offering her some direction through the great abyss that lurks beyond graduation. I can't help but panic or feel like something of a slacker to see my peers getting ahead of me, so to speak. Not that it's a reflection of me, my abilities or who I am, but there is a sort of deflating effect to realizing that I'm not necessarily doing "what I should be doing."

Maybe that's not entirely true. A lot of my failure to find a job stems from my own failure to take much initiative in the process. I didn't even seriously consider looking for jobs, save for a brief look into the Teach for America program, until April or so. This was, of course, because I was banking, perhaps too heavily, on getting a Fulbright and relying on that for the next year. I didn't find out that it didn't come through for me until mid-March, however, which gave me rather a delayed start to my job search. And, since that's when I had to kick into top gear for my thesis, I didn't look proactively for a lot in the past couple of months, really not until this last week. I perused job listing sites and saw stuff that interested me, but I never followed up on much of it, aside from some positions in Prague, all of which rapidly dried up for me.

A big problem I have is that I see jobs that look interesting, stuff I wouldn't mind doing, but invariably they want experience and/or an advanced degree, neither of which I exactly possess. People keep telling me to disregard that, but it's hard not to be dissuaded by it. I've never exactly been good about finding work, so I wouldn't say I'm particularly skilled when it comes to browsing the job market. And, I also take no heart in the present state of the U.S. economy, which seems to be conspiring to screw over people from my class. That's an exaggeration, no doubt, but not that much of a stretch. I cannot reiterate or express how disheartening it is for me to have busted my ass for four years of college (not to mention the years of school before that), done everything right -- or so I was always told -- only to discover now that it isn't necessarily enough to get me started. This is probably me being naïve and idealistic, as the crimson-tinted spectacles through which I've always observed the world have given me an irrational belief in merit and hard work. Ironic, isn't it, that someone so rabidly critical of American nationalism has internalized one of the core tenets of the American myth, the notion of the Horatio Alger, rags-to-riches, so-called "American Dream." But I digress.

I guess my point is, I know I have many things to do still, despite being (temporarily) done with school. I should update my Fulbright essays from last year and get all the application paperwork completed, and need to revise/cut down my thesis to make it publication-length. I also need to take my job hunt up a notch. But all of these require motivation I'm currently lacking. I really just want to take some time off, maybe bum around Europe or Chicago or somewhere for a while, and recharge my batteries before the next major life challenge, namely grad school. Is that too much to ask? It is if you're a poor graduating senior like me who lacks a wealthy benefactor or rich patron to finance such a idyllic life. (Joe's offer to let be crash his flat in Prague and bum around on his couch doesn't quite make him the well-to-do donor I'd need.)

So, for the meantime, I'll revert to default, continue searching for jobs stateside, hoping to find that perfect one. Or more accurately, I'll continue to hope that the ideal work situation will think me qualified and capable of the job. I figure to spend a fair amount of the summer sitting at home in California, trolling job listings and futilely seeking something more fulfilling while I try to scrounge together enough savings to support myself down the line.